How unlucky can one man get? You have to feel for Nigel Farage. Why does it keep happening to him? There he is, just minding his own business, trying to make a decent living – those five houses won’t pay for themselves, which is why other people may have done – and yet there’s always someone trying to drag a good man down. Isn’t the “Man of the People (TM)” entitled to have a few multimillionaires as friends to bankroll his lifestyle? Who hasn’t pined for crypto and gold bullion?

First there was the £5m from the British-Thai crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne, revealed exclusively by the Guardian. Months later, the stench won’t go away. Even Nige has been at a loss to explain what exactly he was given the money for. Unsure whether it was a payment to cover security or just a little “thank you” for a lifetime’s work in the service of making the country an easier place for grifters to make money. Even now, Nige has gone to ground as he tries to get his story straight.

Then on Saturday evening, the Sunday Times exposed further freebies. This time from the aristo-turned-criminal George Cottrell, who was banged up in the US on charges of money laundering, wire fraud, extortion and blackmail, and is now involved in an online gambling company.

The salt of the earth. Just a regular kinda guy. Gorgeous George, provided Nige with a place to stay in London near Buckingham Palace, a bloke to run his social media accounts and security. I hope Cottrell and Harborne liaised on this. It would be too, too terrible to imagine they were both being asked to cover Farage’s security detail. There again, a man like Nige can never be too secure.

Who better then to come to Nige’s defence on Laura Kuenssberg’s show than Robert Jenrick? A man as decent as the day is long. A man who would never countenance any wrongdoing. It was just one of those things that when Honest Bob was a junior Tory housing minister he personally overruled the decision of a local council and permitted a development that would have cost the Conservative donor and one-time pornographer Richard “Dirty” Desmond an extra £50m in cash if it had been delayed by even a few days. That’s Honest Bob for you. Always trying to do the right thing.

He understandably looked a bit flustered. Before the story had broken, he had imagined he had been booked on to the programme to discuss how terrible it was that Andy Burnham wasn’t going to call an election – but how right he had been not to call a byelection when he had jumped ship to Reform. Because hypocrisy would never occur to Honest Bob.

“There’s nothing to see here,” he insisted. He had his doe eyes on show, which apparently elevated his honesty up a notch. It was just a very old story that had been reheated. There was no need for Nige to declare anything. Even though this had all taken place within the 12-month period before he became an MP that is stipulated in the parliamentary guidelines. Because Nige had never dreamed of being a politician even though he had been a professional politician for the past 25 years. And had at the time been honorary president of the Reform party, which he basically owned.

It was like this. George Cottrell was just a very old friend. This rather sounded as if Honest Bob was accidentally throwing Nige to the wolves. Because who isn’t best mates with convicted fraudsters? Nige and Gorgeous went back years. George had even been a fundraiser for the Brexit party. Though obviously it went without question that all the money came from legitimate sources. After all, no one would know better if the money was dodgy than someone with a criminal record. Nige was being punished for something he had never done. Guilt by association.

And yes, Nige might have stayed in George’s townhouse “on a couple of occasions”, Honest Bob admitted. Sounding not entirely convincing. And Nige definitely needed staff because he was completely broke having just been paid well over £1m for his three-week stay in the I’m a Celeb jungle.

“It’s all a media plot,” hissed Honest Bob. “The Sunday Times is a Labour-supporting paper.” This was the moment you knew he was rattled. Delusional. The sound of him jumping the shark. The Sunday Times had only supported Labour at the last election through gritted teeth. Because Rupert Murdoch knew the Tories were going to lose and couldn’t bear the idea of ending up supporting the losing side. The idea that this was some kind of ideologically driven investigation was just desperation.

Honest Bob tried to change the subject. Could he talk about immigration? What? That it had fallen by 80%? No, not that. That there were still too many foreigners. No, said Laura. Let’s keep talking about the Gorgeous George allegations. Because they are so much more interesting. And you haven’t really done anything to make them go away. Just saying Nige is friends with and has taken cash from a deeply suspect character is not going to cut it. Not when Nige has his sights on being prime minister.

Then there was the question of the £270k Nige had trousered for 12 hours promotional work for a gold bullion company. The investments in Kwasi’s crypto fund. Wasn’t this all … a bit irregular? Not at all, said Honest Bob. Nige just had a magnificent work ethic. There was nothing the country liked more than a bloke who sponged off crypto billionaires and convicted fraudsters. What the country needed more of was this “something for nothing” mentality. When you came to think of it, £5m was just chicken feed. And why not take gifts that you don’t declare off a crim. Call it his bit to rehabilitation and restorative justice.

“Nigel has always been consistent,” he concluded. That at least was true. Nige has been consistently opaque with his finances throughout his career. We still don’t really know who paid for much of the Brexit campaign. “When I was a teenager, Nigel was doing amazing things.” So amazing, that Honest Bob joined the Tory party. Still, he got there in the end. Reform, the party where you can park your memory and scruples outside the front door.